Plain Tales from the Surgery

Too late, doc!

Having finished my early morning consultations, I was about to embark on house calls when I noticed a disgruntled patient had cancelled her request.

Apparently, she was fed up waiting around for a visit and could not hang around any longer: she had a bus to catch so she could do her shopping!

  • Dr Paul Coulter, Nairn, Scottish Highlands

Three's a crowd
An elderly gentleman came to see me, complaining of a lump in his scrotum.

As I prepared to examine him, bearing in mind current guidelines to offer a chaperone to both male and female patients for intimate examinations, I asked him if he wanted me to call in the nurse in to help with the examination.

'Oh, no thanks doc,' he replied with a twinkle in his eye as he clambered on the couch: 'It's not THAT big.'

  • Dr Adrian Song, East London

Sore is sexy
A 71-year old gentleman came to the surgery complaining about a 'salacious cyst' on his back, which sounded a lot more interesting than the sebaceous cysts from which he usually suffers.

  • Dr Sylvanus Oganwu, Hornchurch, Essex

Baby brain
Although I was on maternity leave, I still liked to attend my study group. It was my turn to host, so I sent an email informing them I would be providing 'drinks and nipples'.

I had to reassure everyone it would only be nibbles provided and I would refrain from breastfeeding during the meeting.

  • Dr Shona Williamson, Edinburgh, Scotland

Sign of the times
I was standing in a queue in a local DIY and gardening store when I saw a promotional sign proudly stating: 'Do more: pay less.'

I was tempted to ask if I could borrow the sign to display above the reception counter at the surgery to convey to patients the state of our morale.

  • Dr Alan Greenwood, Warminster, Wiltshire

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