Plain tales from the surgery

Cause and effect

I was taking some blood from an HIV positive patient, because he was unwell.

As I was just about to take the sample I said, as is my habit: 'Here comes a small prick.'

My patient replied: 'That's how I got in this condition in the first place.'

Maybe I should use another phrase in future!

Dr Matt Edwards, Tunbridge Wells, Kent

New balls, please
The receptionist told me she thought she was working on Centre Court at Wimbledon when a patient made an acute scrip request for 'new balls'.

On further questioning, she realised he was not an umpire after all, but he had a nebuliser at home and was wanting some salbutamol 'nebules'.

Dr Anthony Davey, Belfast, Northern Ireland

Plain speaking
A temporary resident wandered in one day and said: 'Thanks for seeing me, doctor. I've run out of me Jack and Jills.

'I'm staying with the Skin and Blister while I get a job, still on the Billy Joel but I've got just enough Bees to get some Jacks.

'I've got two problems,' he rattled on. 'The first is me Cilla Black and the second is me Khyber Pass (I got that one). Can I trouble you for some Gary Abletts for the Frasier Caine.'

Nope, I didn't understand him either, but he seemed happy enough with a scrip for some paracetamol.

Dr Rob Rosa, Redlynch, Salisbury

It's all rock 'n' roll
A mother brought her son to see me because she was concerned that listening to loud music might damage his hearing.

Having discovered his taste was for rock music, we spent the first half of the consultation discussing various tracks by Hawkwind, and the fact that I had gone to see them with a fellow student, now a gynaecologist, at the Oxford Apollo in 1983.

I think the mother was unimpressed, expecting a more rigid line from me.

Dr Jeremy Phipps, Market Deeping, Cambridgeshire

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