Plain Tales from the Surgery

Fish 'n' chips

A four-year-old was brought by his mum for his routine pre-school vaccination. As they entered the waiting room, the little one's eyes lit up as soon as he spotted the fish tank. He pointed his finger at it and went into deep thought and suddenly blurted out 'Chips!' The whole of the waiting room burst into laughter.

Dr Ravi Muthiah, Fulham, west London

The right to protest
A letter from the local out-of-hours team reported the following for one of our female patients: 'Requests morning after pill. Had unprotested sex last night.' I'm glad, at least, that it was a willing act ...

Dr Barney Tinsley, Harrogate, Yorkshire

Testing times
One of my elderly patients complained to me the other day that he did not see the consultant at the hospital but instead she was made to see the consultant's undertaker. The undertaker then went on to examine her and told her that he was going to organise some tests.

I was delighted to hear later that the consultant is still alive and well. I hope my patient saw the understudy rather than an undertaker.

Dr Rob McKinty, Newton Aycliffe, Co Durham

A medical miracle
I had just removed a wedge from the teenager's toenail when the teenager's father asked: 'Will he be able to play football?'

'After a couple of weeks, if the redness has gone, he should be all right,' I replied.

'It's marvellous what you people can do - he's never been any good at it before,' said the father.

Dr Bill Vennells, Sheffield

A bump on the head
I saw a patient of mine who had returned from the head injury clinic.

'They told me two things at the clinic,' he said. 'The first was that my memory is bad.' Then he paused.

'I can't remember the second thing,' he finally said.

Dr Jackie Thomas, Derby, Midlands

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