Plain Tales from the Surgery

In the doghouse.

A patient complained feeling low and depressed. She told me that her sleep was disturbed by a snoring sound in her bedroom.

She threw her husband out of the bedroom but then found out it was her dog that was snoring.

Her husband refused to return.

  • Dr Abdur Khan, Dudley, West Midlands

Swine of a hangover

Given recent events, I have been assuming all patients with cold symptoms are worried about influenza A.

I recently asked one patient, to which he responded: 'No, I don't drink much'.

'Great,' I replied. 'But are you worried about swine flu?' My perplexed patient replied: 'I don't drink wine, only very rarely beer.'

Ah, wine flu. What a great name for a hangover.

  •  Dr Ellen Parker, Oxford

Rhyme didn't chime
At my practice, patients can book appointments online. They enter a reason for their appointment, which is shown on my screen next to their name.

I saw a London cabby the other day. Next to his name it gave the reason for his visit as 'farmer Giles'. I really couldn't guess what he was on about.

It turns out to be cockney rhyming slang for piles.

  • Dr Sharon Kleinberg, Pinner, Middlesex

In the soup
I was called to see a man after the evening surgery. I knew the extended Chinese family reasonably well and they were all trying hard to learn English.

One man's wife tends to act as translator, but her call to the receptionist was simply: 'Terry no well. He in the soup'.

She led me through to the front room where 10 family members of several generations sat in silence around the dinning table. The grandfather was indeed 'no well'. In fact he was dead.

Her description of him was quite accurate. He was seated at the head of the table and had an acute MI during the first course, causing him to fall face first into a plate of soup.

  • Dr Pete Rowan, Diss, Norfolk
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