Plain Tales from the Surgery

Here for a blow job

My first patient of the day was a distinguished gentleman of 56.

When asked what I could do for him said: 'I'm here for a blow job.'

Cue the stunned silence.

I said: 'I beg your pardon?' and he repeated himself.

The penny must have suddenly dropped because he turned a peculiar shade of purple and blurted: 'I mean that blow test.'

He meant spirometry ...

Luckily we both have a sense of humour. What a joyful start to a dreary Wednesday.

Stella Burch, practice nurse, Stanhope, London

Currying my favours

A middle aged lady patient told me she was only good at two things: making curry and making love.

I informed her that many marriages were built on less.

Dr Roger Williams, Hilton, Derby

Fast food

Fasting took on a whole new meaning for me the other day, when I asked one of my patients to come back for a blood test.

And I had to ask myself if my advice had anything to do with her generous build.

When I handed her the blood form to make an appointment with the nurse, she responded: 'I don't have to go on the fast food again, do I?'

Dr Regina Zakani, Watford, Hertfordshire

Gin & tonic test
An intelligent 74-year-old patient attended to get the results of his liver function tests.

He had previously been found to have a raised gamma-glutamyl transferase enzyme level. In his usual fashion he had already done his homework. He immediately asked: 'So doctor how is my Gamma Gin and Tonic doing?'

I couldn't stop smiling at his witty remark and had also learnt another useful mnemonic to tell our medical students.

Dr Nitin Gambhir, Broomhill, Glasgow

Sticky cholesterol

I find patients occasionally mispronounce medical terms, but I was particularly surprised by an elderly gentleman a while ago who came in to find out if his 'limpet levels' were better.

Dr Richard L Davies, Redditch, Worcestershire

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