Plain tales from the surgery

Natural rhythms

A young woman came in recently complaining of instrumental bleeding.

Well, at least she is in tune with her body.

Dr Ellin Jones, St Albans, Hertfordshire

Mummy does what?
When my young son started at his school the teacher asked the class to say what their mothers did for a living.

My son replied: 'She takes peoples clothes off and takes pictures of them.'

It took me some time to convince the teacher that I was, at that time, a radiographer.

Anabel Howard, practice nurse, Stansted, Essex

Surgery at a run
A well-spoken but fraught mum came to see me at the end of morning surgery.

Carrying heavy shopping, and with two fractious toddlers in tow, she entered my room with the opening gambit: 'Won't take long. I've just got a vaginal discharge I'd like to run past you.'


Dr Kim Roberts, Winchester, Hampshire

Police matter
The NHS 24 out-of-hours triage system usually provides on-call GPs with an indication of the diagnosis or suspected diagnosis on the triage sheet.

Last time I was on call, there was a diagnosis I had not come across before: the NHS 24 triage sheet showed as a suspected diagnosis: 'Allergic to salt'.

The penny finally dropped when the police brought the patient in. The correct triage diagnosis should have been 'Alleged assault'.

Dr John Procee, Colliston, Angus

These young things
One of our young patients came in to my surgery. She looked rather the worse for wear, so I asked her what was wrong.

'Oh, I was out on the town with the girls last night,' she replied. 'You know what it's like, going out with 20 lap dancers.'

Well, actually, I don't. But I can imagine.

Dr John Clark, Wirral, Merseyside

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