Plain tales from the surgery

In rude health

I was visiting a delightful 84-year-old woman with dementia.

She had a nasty pneumonia and was dehydrated.

'You're a little dry, Mrs X,' I stated.

'As the bishop said to the actress my dear,' she chortled!

Dr Steve Douglas, Harmston, Lincolnshire

Time waster
I recently saw a six-year-old girl for a general review.

Not for the first time, I was running late. Despite coming to the end of the consultation, the young girl was reluctant to go.

'Come on, there are lots of other people out there in the waiting area to be seen because they're ill,' encouraged her mum.

'Oh no, mum,' she replied. 'You said that all of those old people only come here to chat and hang around!'

Dr Andy Cohen, St Albans, Hertfordshire

Fighting talk
A woman patient was shocked when, after I discovered she worked in a battered women's refuge, I said: 'I think my wife has been there.'

Only later did I realise she may not have known that my wife was a GP doing home visits.

Dr Jeremy Phipps Market Deeping, Lincolnshire

When in Rome
I once read that silver rings had been discovered in the pelvic regions of female Roman remains, The theory was they may have been used as early intrauterine contraceptives.

I was asked by a patient to check her Minerva coil. I wonder if the gynaecologist was wearing a clean white toga.

Dr Alan Greenwood, Warminster, Wiltshire

The romance of surgery
I recently reviewed a woman with chronic back pain, and she mentioned how much better she had been feeling following her recent operation.

'I had a large Casanova in Suit in my mouth,' she said.

On reviewing her notes I read she'd had a carcinoma in situ excised six weeks previously.

Dr Tom Wrigley St Neots, Peterborough

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