A middle-aged overweight man entered the consulting room with a look of horror on his face when he realised he had booked in with a youngish female GP.
After some deliberation and with a shifty gaze he mumbled something about an infection causing an itchy anus for several weeks and his reluctance to come to the doctor.
Despite applying various over-the-counter treatments he was not able to treat it himself. Examination revealed the most sore looking bottom I had ever seen. The skin was red, completely eroded, weepy and resembled a skinned fried tomato.
The slightest touch caused the patient to wince as if undergoing the worst torture.
Grateful that the left lateral position prevented him from seeing my shocked expression I asked him what exactly he had been applying to the area.
It was Domestos, because it 'killed all known germs'.
Dr Victoria Rittner, Shoreham, West Sussex
If the shoe fits
A young patient recently attended our local teaching hospital for a review of his clubfoot deformity. The helpful consultant's letter told us that things were progressing satisfactorily as the boy grew, but that antivirus shoes had been ordered for him.
I hadn't heard of antivirus shoes, but we've been seeing such a huge number of upper respiratory tract infections in the surgery recently, I thought I should see if I could get a pair.
Dr Jane Wilson-Howarth, Cambridge
You are what you eat
I recently received a letter regarding a diabetic patient who had had a 'baloney' amputation.
I wonder which part of the sausage has been removed?
Dr Henrietta Hughes, Kilburn, North London
Recently one of my patients mentioned that he thought his wife was suffering from a bad case of BSE - 'blame somebody else'.
Dr Des Ling, Dorchester, Dorset
- We pay £25 for each Plain Tale published. Please mark entries 'Plain Tales' and send them to GPletters@haymarket.com with your contact details.