Plain tales from the surgery

Deep cleaning

A middle-aged overweight man entered the consulting room with a look of horror on his face when he realised he had booked in with a youngish female GP.

After some deliberation and with a shifty gaze he mumbled something about an infection causing an itchy anus for several weeks and his reluctance to come to the doctor.

Despite applying various over-the-counter treatments he was not able to treat it himself. Examination revealed the most sore looking bottom I had ever seen. The skin was red, completely eroded, weepy and resembled a skinned fried tomato.

The slightest touch caused the patient to wince as if undergoing the worst torture.

Grateful that the left lateral position prevented him from seeing my shocked expression I asked him what exactly he had been applying to the area.

It was Domestos, because it 'killed all known germs'.

Dr Victoria Rittner, Shoreham, West Sussex

If the shoe fits
A young patient recently attended our local teaching hospital for a review of his clubfoot deformity. The helpful consultant's letter told us that things were progressing satisfactorily as the boy grew, but that antivirus shoes had been ordered for him.

I hadn't heard of antivirus shoes, but we've been seeing such a huge number of upper respiratory tract infections in the surgery recently, I thought I should see if I could get a pair.
Dr Jane Wilson-Howarth, Cambridge

You are what you eat
I recently received a letter regarding a diabetic patient who had had a 'baloney' amputation.

I wonder which part of the sausage has been removed?

Dr Henrietta Hughes, Kilburn, North London

Marital hiss

Recently one of my patients mentioned that he thought his wife was suffering from a bad case of BSE - 'blame somebody else'.
Dr Des Ling, Dorchester, Dorset

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