Plain Tales from the Surgery

And this little piggy ...
A patient put down her stress to her work: 'I take my work home with me'.

'What's your job,' I enquired.

'Pig-farmer,' she replied.

After a struggle I managed to remove the mental image of her walking home with a pig under each arm.
Dr Jeremy Phipps, Market Deeping, Lincolnshire

The safe journey home
A few years ago I saw a female patient for whom I prescribed antibiotics. I enquired what she used for contraception (so I could advise her appropriately).

'I get off at Bilston,' she replied. Confused when I asked her again she replied rather embarrassed: 'We don't go all the way to Wolverhampton.'

Then the penny dropped - she was using the withdrawal method.
Dr Ian Sykes, Oldbury, West Midlands

Hysterical call
Recently a patient walked into the surgery in a distressed state. When I asked what the problem was he responded: 'My wife had a hip replacement eight weeks ago and she is in a distressed state and now I am stressed out too.

'Last night I wanted to garrotte her and then kill myself, what shall I do?'

Frantically I rang the mental health team for help. I must have dialled the number in a hurry and added a wrong digit as the local crematorium answered the call.

I could not suppress my laughter as the irony dawned on me, the patient was not amused, so I decided to tell him what happened. He burst out laughing; even though he was stressed he saw the irony of it.

He waited around for a couple of hours till he was seen by the mental health team and is recuperating now, thankfully.
Dr John Zacharias, Lincoln, Lincolnshire

Great balls of fire
It came as something of a disappointment when I visited the elderly gentleman referred to in the message as 'coughing up flame'.
Dr Alex Dowers, Townhead, Glasgow

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