Plain tales from the surgery

Pain in the ...
I recently saw an elderly patient who told me he had a problem with a swelling on his scrotum.

He reported to me that he felt it daily and that although it seemed to be decreasing in size he was keen to get it checked out because it had been causing his nose to run more than usual.

I was slightly puzzled so I asked if it was okay to have a look for myself. With that he pointed to his left nostril.

'It's right there', he said, 'on my scrotum'.

'Ah, I think you mean septum sir,' I gently corrected.

'Yes, my scrotum,' he replied, with a slightly exasperated tone.

Dr Anna Cumisky, Bath, Somerset

Euphemistic case
Letters from consultants have become much more politically correct over the years.

I was dealing with a particularly tedious patient and flicked through her notes wondering who I could get away with referring her to.

I came across a discharge letter dated 25 years ago which read: 'This lady is a clear case of cervicalgia.'

In other words, she is a pain in the neck
Dr Owen Gallagher, Glenary, Country Antrim

Easy to swallow
On checking a young patient's understanding of how to take her newly prescribed oral contraceptive pill, I was amused by her reply of: 'Yes doctor, I have to swallow them.'

Dr Janani Rajah, Pinner, Middlesex

Grammar clinic
I saw a patient who was suffering with constipation. Nothing was working for her and we were discussing the remaining options.

Her husband interrupted with: 'Why don't you try one of those apostrophes?'

I managed to keep a straight face and said I did not have any apostrophes (or suppositories) but I could give her an enema to try in her semi-colon.

Dr Paul Martin, Coleraine, County Londonderry

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