Plain tales from the surgery

Avoid seedy surgery
I received a letter from a private cosmetic clinic informing me that a patient had just had a 'bread augmentation' from a size 30A to size 36C.

I wanted to enquire whether it was wholemeal or granary but I thought better of it.

Dr Philip Ting, London

Bad case of Delhi belly
I saw a mother with her seven-year-old son, who had been suffering from what looked liked viral gastroenteritis. On further inquiry regarding the nature of his stools, the mother found it difficult to explain them. We had an impasse of 10 seconds after which she came out with the words - 'Just like korma'.

Being a GP of Asian descent, I guess this was the best way she could describe things anyway.

Dr Raneesh Mahandru, Rochester, Kent

Bible bashing
Some years ago, a gentleman came in to see me with a very, very large hydrocele. We had a young female medical student with us at the time and I asked her to examine the swelling.

When she had done so, with the chap still on the couch, I asked her what she thought and how she had come to the conclusion she had.

She replied that it was obviously a hydrocele and gave me a long list of reasons - all correct - as to why it was.

'Excellent,' I said. 'What can you do about it?'

At this point she got a bit flustered and blurted out: 'Hit it with the family Bible!'

On hearing this, the patient leapt off the couch put his trousers back on and headed for the door almost before she realised what she had actually said.

Dr David Jenkins, Ferryside, Carmarthenshire

Collective healing
A lady told me about her recent visit to the dermatology department. 'The first doctor didn't know what my problem was and all of a sudden I was surrounded by dermatologists.'

I wondered aloud what the collective noun might be for dermatologists. Quick as a flash my patient replied: 'A skinful.'

Dr Penny Parr, Broadgate, Bolton

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