Plain tales from the surgery

Brutal honesty
A morbidly obese patient finally confessed to me why she had such difficulty losing weight.

'You see, the problem is ...' she began.

Now let me guess, I thought - you're big boned? All your family are big?

It's water retention? Nope.

'I'm a greedy bitch!' she exclaimed. Puzzle solved.

Dr Brent Prior, Stockport

Analyse this
A patient returned from Egypt with the trots.

He - rather effortlessly - provided a stool for culture. When he called for the result two days later I informed him that a reply from the lab had stated: 'Sample insufficient for analysis.'

In frustration, he demanded to know: 'How large is a bacterium?' I saw his point.

Dr David Carvel, Biggar, Lanarkshire

Circus Maximus
A man came to ask to see his recent surgical outpatients letters. He was either angry, confused or trying not to laugh.

I decided it was probably all three and gave him the letters he wanted.

These were all from a few months before when he had had a small but necessary operation on his penis. He looked at the letters and smiled.

'I waited until they had seen me for the last time,' he told me. 'The junior doctors were calling one another over to giggle about one of these. They didn't know I could see them.'

He gave me one letter and asked if I had noticed a 'possible' typing error.

Part of it read 'I examined this man who is now "circus sized"'.

Dr Peter Rowan, Norwich, Norfolk

Named and shamed
Our practice is in a red light district, so it seemed strangely fitting when a patient came to reception asking for an appointment with Dr Tart.

Our bright receptionist - who happens to be a Mrs Vice - twigged immediately, and said: 'There's no Dr Tart. Do you mean Dr Pai?'

'Ah, yes,' said the patient. 'I knew he had something to do with baking.'

Thankfully, my name has no links with the oldest profession.

Dr Manoj Pai, Coventry.

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