Plain tales from the surgery

Mechanical response
A patient presented herself to me with a ‘problem downstairs’. When I asked her for more details, she enlightened me further by saying: ‘I have a very red, irritating Volvo.’

I must admit that my Mondeo is ready for the scrapyard but, even so, I wouldn’t seek medical attention for it.

Lorraine Hudson
Mexborough, South Yorkshire

Hippy jab
One evening after work when I picked up my one-year-old from nursery, he seemed to be in a bad mood. I put it down to him being sleepy and decided to get him ready for bed as soon as he had been fed.

But he was not for this either and just screamed.

His six-year-old sister could not help feeling sorry for him and remarked: ‘Mummy, I think his legs are sore because he’s had his hip boosted today.’

I gave her a puzzled look and she pointed to his immunisation appointment card. I then remembered that he had had his Hib booster that morning.

Dr Shagufta Perveen
Oldham, Lancashire

Keeping a watch
A patient recently attended with knee pain, which had failed to improve despite rubbing ‘Rolex’ on it.

After a normal examination I attempted to reassure her by saying: ‘We’ll keep a watch on it.’

Dr Mark Grocutt
Kings Heath, Birmingham

Smoke-free job
One of my patients sustained a heart attack and recovered uneventfully. She quit smoking and was looking forward to going back to work after nearly three months. She came to see me for a final check up and wanted the final sick note.

While I wrote the sick note, she told me she had been offered a change of job at the supermarket where she worked.

It was lighter work than before. Because of her recent heart attack, she would not be required to lift any heavy objects.

‘That is very considerate of your boss,’ I said. Curious, I asked: ‘What are you supposed to do now?’

‘I am going to be at the cigarette counter, doctor,’ replied the patient. I was the only one who saw the irony.

Dr Anand Deshpande
Westhoughton, Lancashire

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