As a practice nurse for the past 13 years, I thought I had heard every possible excuse for missing appointments. However, the one I heard last week takes some beating.
The patient in question came in for his appointment and I tackled him as to why he hadn't turned up for his two previous diabetic clinic appointments.
He said he had a good reason for not turning up.
'Oh yes?' I asked.
'I was in the nick,' he said.
Judy Watson, Woolston, Southampton
BACK TO BASICS
As a young medical student years ago, I was clerking an elderly lady who had been admitted with lower abdominal pain.
I had been taught about taking a family and social history and was doing this as I felt her lower abdomen.
As a nurse helped me fumble and fit an examining glove on, I asked her to roll on to her side, draw her knees up and face the wall. She did and I asked her how her back passage was.
Just as I got the glove on she replied: 'Fine, thanks, doctor. We've just had it carpeted.'
Dr Pete Rowan, Diss, Norfolk
Like many practices, our new patients are given a questionnaire to fill in about their health.
In answer to the question 'give details of any operations', a young mother had written: 'Spinal operation; tonsils; scisserion'.
I do hope the scissors were sharp.
Dr Fran Pullen, Chepstow, Monmouthshire
The little old lady sat down and exclaimed: 'I'm here to have my brain replaced.'
Not realising I had misheard, I tried to stall for time.
'What makes you say that?' I asked lamely.
'Because I have it changed every six months,' she replied.
In desperation I scanned her notes for dementia, psychosis or anything brain related. No clues. VTS hadn't prepared me for this one and I had run out of ideas but she chipped in just in time for me to save face.
'Look, the new one is in my handbag,' she said, pulling out a ring pessary.
Dr Melanie Douglas, Shirley, Southampton.