Plain tales from the surgery 191007

Mutant student
A student walked in to my consulting room recently and announced: 'I think I've grown a third testicle.'

I couldn't help laughing.

It turned out to be an epididymal cyst.

Dr Paul Weston Smith, Ilkeston, Derbyshire

Great balls of fire
A colleague working in palliative care had a letter audio-typed by the medical secretary. The content included the sentence: 'This patient is wheelchair bound because of burning testes.'

It should have said: 'This patient is wheelchair bound because of bony metastases'.

Dr Elly Pycroft, Lymington, Hampshire

Forgetful mother
A weary working mother, who cared for her own mother suffering with Alzheimer's, asked a question as she left the surgery.

'Doctor, do you think I am becoming like my mother?', she enquired.

'Why?', I asked.

'Well, I borrowed a book about Alzheimer's from the library, and I completely forgot to take it back for over two weeks.'

Horrified, she added: 'And they charged me £1.20.'

Dr Dawn Trager, Cheadle, Cheshire

Applying P45
A patient came to see me to inform me that he was moving out of the area and that he needed to change his GP.

'Can I have my P45 please,' he enquired.

I replied that I was his GP and not his employer.

But his record revealed that I had prescribed him E45 skin cream.

Dr Subhash Chandra Bhatt, Glossop, Derbyshire

Over-eager UTI
I recently saw an elderly gentleman with what appeared to be a straightforward UTI consultation. He complained of the usual urinary symptoms. I told him I would require a sample to test his urine.

I turned around in my chair to pass him a sample bottle, only to find he had dropped his pants and pointed his waterpipe in my direction.

Dr Paresh Parikh, Stalybridge, Cheshire

Hidden gifts
I received a present from a patient the other day: A textbook for the general public called Forbidden Drugs.

But when I looked at the inner front cover of the book I saw that it said 'property of the library at Wormwood Scrubs'.

So there's another use of the primary care service for you - returning your library books.

Dr Alick Munro, Cranford, Middlesex

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