Plain Tales from the Surgery 121007

Anything for a smoke
A middle-aged man came to see me and shifted uncomfortably in his seat while summoning the courage to say why he had booked the appointment.

'It's just that it's a little embarrassing doctor,' he said.

I encouraged him to go on.

'Well, I have this problem with reaching orgasm. It takes so long to get there - although my wife thinks it's wonderful.'

'So, why is it a problem?' I asked, slightly puzzled. The reply left me speechless.

'It's just that two hours is such a long time to go without a cigarette.'

Dr Robert Jaggs-Fowler, Barton upon Humber, North Lincolnshire

Selective hearing
An elderly patient came to see me about his impaired hearing.

'Doc, I can hear when men speak but not women,' he said.

I joked that he was lucky; many would like to be in his shoes.

Dr Sudhir Sarnobt, Rhondda, Mid Glamorgan

Timely notes
A patient of mine attended a nurse for a smear test. Her notes read that her 'cervix was not seen easily. Eventually found at eight o'clock'.

I assume that this refers to the position in the vagina and not the time.

Dr Penny Watson, Edinburgh

Frozen chicken
A patient came to see me presenting with a cold. Anxious about her health, she stated: 'I'm worried that I have got bird flu.

'Why do you think that,' I enquired.

'Well', she replied, 'the chicken I ate for dinner yesterday came from Iceland.'

Dr Hilary Allen, Bridgwater, Somerset

Theatre of seduction
An elderly patient was admitted as an emergency to a local hospital this week with a low haemoglobin count.

She had to have investigations and one of the tests had to be done in theatre.

Before she went down for the test she told me she was nervous but it would be okay so long as they seduced her.

I had to break the news they may only sedate her.

Dr Trisha Wildbore, Coleshill, Birmingham

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