Liam Farrell: A consultation with Sarah Palin

In Love and Death, Woody Allen's parody of War and Peace, Woody is at a party when the news arrives that La Grande Armee has invaded Russia and is marching on Moscow.

The party-goers respond with an outburst of patriotic fervour, all gung-ho and ready to die for the Motherland, but Woody is more circumspect. His family are outraged by this apparent display of cowardice and his mother insists that he must join the army and join the fight, 'and I hop zey put you in zee front line'.

'My mother, folks,' says Woody, mugging to the camera.

This example of maternal devotion reminded me of someone, so I was not totally surprised when Sarah Palin turned up at the surgery.

'Get a passport at last?' I said.

'Gee, I was just so busy,' she gushed, winking at me inappropriately. 'You know, going to Saturday morning soccer with the kids, huntin' and fishin' and drinking beer with the other rednecks. Who needs a passport anyway? The theory of evolution is just a bunch of satanic messages, America is the greatest country in the world, global warming is a communist conspiracy, and, as for foreign policy, hey, I can see Russia from my house.'

'So what can I do for you?' I asked.

'Gee, you know, we need more energy, more drilling, working for the people, I'm just an ordinary hockey-mom, not a Washington insider, hey, what would I know about anything, being ignorant is a good thing.'

'You haven't answered my question,' I reminded her. 'You've been coached too much on what to say, you can't say anything comprehensible or think for yourself.'

'Whatever, did I mention deer-hunting? Us hockey-moms and Joe Six-Packs just love blasting away, who needs gun-control?'

'I don't know if hiding behind a rock and slaughtering defenceless animals with a high-powered rifle is most people's idea of sport,' I countered. 'Now, if you were to stick on a pair of fake antlers and go head-to-head with a moose, well, that would be worth going a long way to see.

'But I do know what is wrong with you,' I continued.

'You do?' she said, winking again, a mannerism becoming increasingly irritating.

'You are quite delusional,' I said. 'You think you are fit to be vice-president of the USA.'

'Gosh, darn,' she said.

Dr Farrell is a GP from County Armagh.

Email him at GPcolumnists@haymarket.com.

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