The conjugations of the NHS

Chris Lancelot turns his pen to poetry...

The GP Record, by Fran Orford
The GP Record, by Fran Orford

I am forthright.
You are stubborn.
He is bloody-minded.

I am an independent contractor.
You take private patients.
He wants to privatise the NHS.

I am innovative.
You are a radical.
He is a Tory wrecker.

I am dedicated.
You work too hard.
He is obsessional.

I maximise practice profits.
You are always asking for a pay rise.
He is a banker.

It thinks it is infallible.
It is inflexible.
It is the BMA.

On medical ethics I am firm but open-minded.
You are opinionated.
He is a religious bigot.

I have standards.
You have outcome measures.
They have targets.

Even as a specialist, I can't know everything.
You need more diplomas.
What can you expect from a GP?

I'm paying off my mortgage.
You have overspent and should economise.
He supports government cuts.

I run a tight ship in my practice.
You are hard on your employees.
They are mercilessly sacking healthcare staff.

I am a top-flight manager.
You are a nurse: competent and friendly.
He is a GP. 'Nuff said.

I have no outpatient resources for this.
You can cross-refer if you want.
He's a GP - let him deal with it.

As a specialist, I admit to the occasional mistake.
You are fallible.
'Dangerous GP - read all about it.'

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