Chris Lancelot: A dictionary for the modern general practitioner

The compilers of Collins Dictionary have just retired the words aerodrome and charabanc.

The GP Record, by Fran Orford www.francartoons.com
The GP Record, by Fran Orford www.francartoons.com

Obviously they need some new words to make up the numbers, so I thought I'd suggest a few relating specifically to the NHS.

Let's start with:

Dysuncoordinatedness (n.) (1) a system which is so dysfunctional that not only does the left hand not coordinate with the right hand, but the left hand doesn't even know there is a right hand; (2) any system with two left hands; (3) any system with three (or more) hands; (4) Choose and Book.

Dysmanorrhoea (n.) an NHS manager who can't stop issuing newsletters and glossy brochures about organisations, initiatives and protocols that GPs don't want, don't need and weren't involved in designing.

Closely related to this is Adminorrhagia (n.) which is the excessive production of unnecessary emails, documentation and guidelines.

Dystimea (n.) the inability to recognise that GPs are overloaded and have no space left in the working day to add in further activities.

Dysfer (v.) what a referral centre does. (This is sometimes called dysreferring.)

Diplomatosis (n.) the requirement to have a diploma, course or tick-box for every skill - even hand-washing.

Retire (v.) to kill GPs with exhaustion through deferring their retirement dates

Pensionable (adj.) Dead. Pension deductions a neat way of converting 'real money now' into 'virtual money tomorrow'.

To Excel (v.) to spam using spreadsheets, as in: 'He's Exceled me again.' The related noun Excelitis means 'irritation induced by receiving inflammatory spreadsheet data'.

Pseudomanorrhoea (n.) managers who give the impression of being in charge and 'doing lots of things' whilst actually being hopelessly out of control.

Staphylocockup (n.) getting your plans for infection control wrong.

Staffilocockup (n.) two few nurses on the wards, often leading to Staphylocockups.

Farmacy (n.) searching for bioactive substances in plants. Erectile dysfunction a ban on money for premises.

Contract (n.) an agreement drawn up between doctors and the NHS which the doctors are required to keep and the NHS isn't.


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