Plain Tales From The Surgery

Snow woes

During last month's snowy weather, I was asked to visit an elderly patient described as 'unsteady on her legs and worried about falling'.

What was not mentioned was that she lived at the bottom of a steep hill.

My several brave attempts to walk down this ice-laden slope were in vain; I ended up crouching in the middle of the road, slowly sliding down the hill and having to use my visit bag as an anchor to pull myself back up.

At this point I decided to call the patient to ascertain the urgency of her call. She stated that she had simply requested a visit because she needed something to make her more stable so she could go out for a walk. I politely commented 'so do I'.

Dr Hussain Gandhi, Bingley, West Yorkshire

Shaky reasoning
An unkempt 40-year-old male patient visited the walk-in centre complaining of shaking in both hands.

He looked a little jaundiced and I asked him whether he drank excess alcohol.

Without hesitation, he said that he did, but added plaintively that he was spilling a lot of his drink these days due to the shaking, hence his need of a GP.

Dr Jaleel Mohammed, Weston-super-Mare

Hasty conclusion
A young patient of mine has an unfortunate stammer. As he was trying to tell me that he was 'having trouble with his te ... te ... te ...', I 'helpfully' interrupted, to save him embarrassment, suggesting: 'Testicles'?

'No!' he replied, indignantly. 'Tester pots!'

This threw me a little, until he was able to explain that he had come out in a contact rash from one of the paint samples he'd been using, when choosing a new colour for his kitchen.

Dr Alan Greenwood, Warminster, Wiltshire

Better out than in

At the out-of-hours centre, the receptionist reported that a patient was withdrawing from methane; sounded like hot air to me.
Alex Meyer, Birmingham, West Midlands

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