Plain Tales from the Surgery

Fishy tale

In our computer records for out-of-hours care, each case has a brief history and two summaries amused me greatly.

The first read: 'Eight weeks pregnant; keeps being pregnant,' while the second said: 'Pain in bottom; past history: fisher in anus.'

Dr Nicholas Jones, Stonehouse, Gloucestershire

Feeling sheepish
I try to keep my phone on silent when working, but was remiss on a recent occasion.

My patient was a farmer who had decided to retire. While he was telling me how much he would miss the early starts with the cattle and sheep, my phone started ringing.

My current ring tone (my son's rendition of Baa Baa Black Sheep) resonated around the consulting room. We both fell about laughing

Dr Andy Cohen, Bushey Heath, Hertfordshire

Lost in translation
In the early days of the swine flu epidemic, anti-viral drugs were in short supply.

One of my patients returned to England after visiting her family in Spain. She told me that while she was there, she had suffered diarrhoea and vomiting 'after getting Tamiflu'.

'Do they get much of it there?' I asked, (meaning Tamiflu), interested to compare provision. 'Oh yes,' she said. 'Everyone has it.'

As I raised my eyebrows, marvelling at the profligacy of the Spanish health system, she continued: 'My diarrhoea has gone now, but I still have tammyache.'
Dr Glenn Stern, Hadley Wood, Hertfordshire

Good gossip
On returning from New Zealand I learned that there had been some speculation about my hasty departure from the UK.

A Chinese whisper had been doing the rounds, as proved by a patient asking the receptionist: 'Can you confirm that Dr Montague-Brown had to return to New Zealand because he was "having an affair"?'

The receptionist nipped this in the bud confirming: 'Not at all! His sister is "in intensive care".'

Dr Herbert Montague-Brown, Chelmsford, Essex

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