Plain Tales from the Surgery

Mixing with criminals

One of our GPs works a few sessions in the local prison. He was telling us the other day that his elderly mother warned him she wasn't at all happy that he was working with murderers and paediatricians.

  • Fiona Magee, Barlaston, Stoke-on-Trent

Top form
I saw a 75-year-old patient who was in a very chirpy mood during her consultation, despite having had had a recent lipoma excision from her left breast.

She was visiting the walk-in centre because she thought the site of operation might be infected. When I offered her a chaperone during the examination, she said: 'Don't worry doctor, many people have seen me topless.'

  • Dr Jaleel Mohammed, Weston-super-Mare, Somerset

Tales of the heart
A lady attended surgery to discuss her cardiac medications.

On asking about her medical history, she said that a cardiologist once told her that her ECG showed 'bigamy'. She appeared rather offended by this.

  • Dr Suneeta Kochhar, Bexhill, East Sussex

Cheeky request
I confess that my GP partner is the brains of the practice, so it was a nice change to be able to help with a medical problem that was baffling him.

A patient had submitted a written request for a topical treatment, the name of which was unfamiliar.

With a pat on his shoulder, I informed him sagely that 'Analbum Cream' was the patient's unique nickname for his haemorrhoid treatment.

I proceeded to make my coffee with a spring in my step.

  • Dr Neil Brownlee, Saltburn, North Yorkshire

Messed up
A letter from secondary care caused much merriment in the office - I had referred a patient with a lump in her tummy to a surgeon, who replied that he would arrange a sigmoidoscopy and CT scan to find the cause of her 'abdominal mess'.

I don't recall it being that bad when I saw her.

  • Dr Deborah West, Broseley, Shropshire

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