Plain Tales from the Surgery

Ring your own bell

I recently visited a warden-controlled home. I went looking for one of the healthcare assistants who usually accompany the residents to the lounge after their lunch.

When got to the lounge and asked about the whereabouts of the carers an elderly lady promptly replied, rather disapprovingly: 'Don't you have your bell around your neck? You need to press it to call them!'

Although she was trying to be helpful I hope it will be several years before I have to have a bell around my neck.

Dr Srishti Dutta, Stevenage, Hertfordshire

Foot and mouth

I received a discharge letter of a child with severe bilateral foot pain stating he had metatarsal pharyngeal joint pain.

A case of foot and mouth disease perhaps?

Dr Rupert Woolley, Pangbourne, Berkshire

Very busty at work

A large lady came to see me complaining of work-related stress.

I commented in her notes that she was 'exceptionally busty at present'; unfortunate what an aberrant 't' can do.

Dr Nick Woodward, Keynsham, Bristol

Curry and Book

Another Choose and Book beauty (I swear someone is playing with us). When referring a patient recently for further investigation of his intractable diarrhoea, his supposedly random password that appeared on the printout was 'curry result'.

He thought it was highly amusing and intended to use it more often.

Dr Yvonne Juhasz, Bromley, Kent

Taking the hiss

Following on from my hockey injuries, I am having dental work. This entails me to wearing a temporary denture, which was fine until it broke last week.

I then had to take surgery with no front teeth, causing a lisp. This was not a problem until a patient with a genuine speech impediment came in; who I am sure thought I was taking the mickey.

The more I tried to hide my own speech imperfection, the worse it became. I am just waiting for the complaint now.

Dr Jeremy Phipps, Market Deeping, Lincolnshire

- We pay £25 for each Plain Tale published. Please mark entries 'Plain Tales' and send them to GPletters@haymarket.com with your contact details

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