Plain Tales from the Surgery

Birthday cure

An elderly patient came to see me with constipation. She wanted to try something a little stronger, so I gave her the option of a chocolate-flavoured laxative.

This brought a smile to her face and she remarked: 'Thank you for the chocolates doctor, it's my 80th birthday today!'

Dr Ismail Lunat, Bradford, West Yorkshire

Scrambled words
We have all probably come across the patient who mishears that they are booked in for a Bavarian meal, when actually it's a dollop of barium not a continental supper that is on offer.

A new one for me this week was the lady with dysphagia who told me she was waiting to have an ovarian meal.

I resisted asking if it would be poached or scrambled.

Dr Richard Edwards, Castle Vale, Birmingham

Prickly situation
I recently saw a young mother who had had persistent problems with mastitis. When she felt another episode developing, she made an appointment.

After she described the familiar 'prickling sensation' in her left breast, I asked leave to examine her.

The cause of the pain was immediately apparent. A crisp lodged in her bra, prawn cocktail flavour!

Dr David Humphreys, Shevington, Wigan

Let's look inside
I was consulting with a new patient and going through her past medical history.

She told me she had been having investigations for 'tummy' problems and had recently undergone a laprascrotummy!

Carolyn Cousins, practice nurse, Sheffield, Yorkshire

Take a bite of rest
Our local hospice rang us to inform us about the discharge of a patient who was admitted for respite. It was documented in her notes that he has been discharged from 'rest bite'.

Our new receptionist apparently thought that he had been discharged for having too much rest!

Dr Kamal Sidhu, Newcastle upon Tyne

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