Plain Tales from the Surgery

Free speech
Like many GPs, I have started to use voice recognition software for dictating letters, to take pressure off our secretary. However, I am still having teething problems with pronunciation.

Last week a patient, an alcoholic schizophrenic, asked for a letter to renew his bus pass. As it was a simple letter, I thought I'd try out the software.

Unfortunately the phrase 'his disabled Freedom Pass' was transcribed as 'he is a disabled free dumb ass'.

Dr Martin Huddart, Leyton, London

A wee energy drink
I work for our local out-of-hours visiting car service. The calls are taken by non-clinical call handlers whose knowledge of medicine is scant and this can lead to some rather odd messages.

Recently I was asked to visit a patient in a nursing home who was feeling tired and unwell.

The nurses had apparently dip tested her urine and, I was surprised to see from the call slip, found lucozade and blood in her urine.

So that must be where all her energy was draining away to.

Dr Anna Olliff-Cooper, Winchester

Bleedin' hell
One evening on the way home from the surgery I stopped at an accident.

A teenage girl had minor injuries including some blood on her arms.

As it was getting dark and I couldn't see, I asked: 'Where are you bleeding from?'

'Peterborough.'

Dr Jeremy Phipps, Peterborough

Champagne solution
A patient come to see me with worsening reflux symptoms and asked about possible medication options. As he was already on proton pump inhibitors, I offered him a trial of a pro-kinetic drug.

I mentioned the drug name Domperidone and it took me a while to realise what he meant when he said: 'Doc, I am not sure that bubbly will help me.'

Fortunately we both came to the same line of thought after I did a bit of explaining.

Dr Srishti Dutta, High Peak, Derbyshire

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