Plain Tales from the Surgery

- Deadly grip

Deadly grip
Long before we became a paper free practice, an old man came to the surgery and I commented he had very thin case notes.

'By the look of your records, you must keep really fit.'

'I don't want you to take this the wrong way doc, but if you have to see a doctor, a minister or a lawyer, there must be trouble,' he said. 'And none of you bleeders ever lets go afterwards.'

Do you know - he is right.

Dr David Sinclair, Leven, Scotland.

Rubbish rugby
When I bumped into the former captain of our local rugby team the hobbling down the street with two blacks eyes, I asked what had happened.

He looked sheepish as he said it was a 'ruby injury'.

I remarked that maybe he was getting a bit old for that, when his wife piped in and said it was indeed a rugby injury. He had got so drunk while watching the rugby on TV that he had fallen down the stairs.

Dr David Jenkins, Carmarthenshire, Wales

Botched consulting
I received a letter about a patient from the surgery specialist at the local teaching hospital. It was signed 'Dr Botcher'.

A name change might be required when they become a consultant.

Dr Martyn Lowden, Nottingham

Signs of change
I thought that the Darzi report on polyclinics is currently just for discussion.

But as I was driving to Central Middlesex Hospital I saw a sign saying 'superstore ahead'. I did not realise that the Darzi report is already being implemented.

Dr Martin Harris, London

Sweet medication
I was confused when a patient asked for 'aquarius cream' the other day. She wasn't asking for her horoscope, rather she was asking for aqueous cream.

Soon after I was asked for 'Toblerone' tablets for this lady's HRT - perhaps this is something all my patients should try rather than the tibolone she meant. I don't suppose it will do a lot for the government's obesity planning.

Dr Helen Percival, Breaston, Derbyshire.

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