Plain Tales From The Surgery

KNOW THINE ENEMY

Coming to the end of a day's surgeries, a jolly chronic fatigue patient bounced in with a printed A4 list of symptoms under six headings.

As usual, I confiscated the list to check his agenda against mine.

I worked my way steadily through from bowels to bones but when I came to the last line, I collapsed in laughter.

'Oh yes, I know you will have pinched this off of me, Peter, which is why it is not in my usual note form,' it read.

How well our patients get to know us.

Dr Peter Swinyard, Swindon, Wiltshire

YOU'RE NOT MY FATHER

One of my colleagues recently tried to encourage a septuagenarian patient to take his antihypertensives.

'If you were my father, I would want you on them,' the GP helpfully advised.

But the patient rapidly retorted: 'I appreciate your advice but I don't want them.

'I'm not your father and if I was you'd be better looking!'

Dr Brent Prior, Stockport, Greater Manchester

LACK OF ORGANISMS

A middle-aged woman came in to discuss her MSU report.

I told her that everything seemed fine. There were no red cells, no pus cells, no growth and no organisms.

'You don't have to tell me that doctor, I haven't had an organism in years.' she replied.

Dr Nihal De Silva, Croydon, Surrey

SWEET DREAMS

I had finished seeing a patient who had complained of joint pain.

She said 'good night sleep', and I said goodbye. I expected her to leave the consulting room but she remained seated and repeated 'good night sleep'.

It then dawned on me that she was requesting sleeping pills.

Dr S Parameshwaran, London

THE COLOUR OF HONEY

One of my patients recently produced a 5oz jar from her bag explaining that her urine had a funny smell and the colour had changed.

The woman explained that her urine had become a rich 'honey' colour. Reading the label, I discovered that, rather fittingly, it had previously contained honey produced by a local apiary.

After I tested her urine, she said she wanted to keep the jar and I thought little of it.

But, on my way home for lunch I couldn't help myself and I popped into the apiary. There I became the proud owner of two jars of locally produced honey.

The beekeeper asked how I had heard about the apiary and a very amusing mental image was evoked.

'Word of mouth,' I said.

Dr Jack Hickey, Wirral, Merseyside.

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