Plain tales from the surgery

USE YOUR BRAINS

A concerned female patient of mine recently came in to see me because of tenderness in both her breasts.

I took her through to the nurse's room and proceeded to do the usual examination.

After finishing, she looked up inquisitively and asked: 'Doctor, it's not meningitis, is it?'

'No, not meningitis,' I said, before adding: 'Unless your brains are in the wrong place, that is.'

To which there was much giggling between the nurse, myself and the patient. She had, needless to say, mastitis.

Dr J Gwynfor Evans, Gyffin, Conwy

BOWEL SOUNDS

One of my pregnant patients came to see me with a request for contraception.

Due to the fact that she was pregnant, I explained to her that it was unlikely that she needed any contraception.

She replied: 'Doctor, you don't understand, I have developed this problem only since I became pregnant.'

Suddenly, it all became clear. 'Oh, do you mean constipation?' I asked.

'Oh, yes,' replied the relieved patient.

Dr Sathanandaruby Parameshwaran, South-west London

FIVE-STAR SERVICE

One of our more intellectually challenged mothers asked me recently if I would supply her child with some more 'intercontinental' pads.

Presumably these were for five-star use?

Dr Jenny Lowles, Lauder, Berwickshire

A DAISYLESS DEATH

One of my patients drank some weed killer when he was feeling depressed.

He found the taste so horrible that he spat it out, but not before he had swallowed a very small amount.

When I visited him in hospital several days later, his father arrived with me.

It soon became clear that the father was angry with his son for trying to kill himself.

'Well, Billy boy,' he said crossly, 'I hope you are pleased with yourself for doing something as stupid as this.'

Billy couldn't bring himself to look up at his father.

'There is only one good thing about this carry on,' Billy's father continued.

'If you die, we'll be able to recognise your grave straight away from the road.'

'What do you mean, dad?' Billy asked.

'Well,' his father replied, 'it will be the only plot in the cemetery without any weeds.'

Fortunately for all concerned, Billy recovered, and we never did find out if his father was right.

Dr Owen Gallagher, Glenary, County Antrim.

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