Plain Tales from the Surgery

JUST CALL ME CUPID

I have a lovely elderly, female patient, physically well and mentally alert, who always used to ask me whether I could fix her up with any of my elderly, male patients.

I assumed she was jesting, but one day she assured me that she wasn't - she had been married twice and had nursed both husbands through a stroke to their death, but was now feeling lonely and wanted someone to look after and who would look after her.

I promised her I would do my best to find her a suitable companion, and I came across the ideal match a few days later. He was very enthusiastic to get in touch with her and I gave him her phone number.

Unfortunately the gentlemen died the following day of - yes, you've guessed it - a stroke.

Needless to say my female patient was devastated when I told her why he wouldn't be ringing - but she did express her relief at such a close shave.

The next time I saw her she said to me: 'I'm not nursing a third husband to his grave so you can find me a fit one next time, doctor - someone who'll outlast me.'

I was only trying to help her out but I think I'll leave the matchmaking to Cupid in future.

Dr N Shambhulingappa, Scunthorpe, North Lincolnshire

IT'S ALL IN THE BLOOD

One of my relatives recently went to his GP and was sent for some blood tests.

He phoned me with the results, quite concerned that his creative protein was high. I replied that, based on some of the stories he tells, I wasn't at all surprised. Luckily his repeat CRP was normal.

Dr Heidi Miller, Radlett, Hertfordshire

A SORRY END

While doing a locum job at a local RAF base, I thought it a good idea to have my lipids and LFTs checked.

After a long delay, I finally received the results, with a note scribbled on them which clearly explained the delay: 'Not registered, and too old for the forces - try the prison'.

After all the years of hard work, is that where we can expect to end up?

Dr Bill Davis, Bridgnorth, Shropshire

WOOLLY DIAGNOSIS

I am currently nursing bruised ribs after stifling laughter for the past few minutes while I concluded a consultation.

One of my 'not the sharpest knife in the drawer' patients has just been in and told me about a friend of his who is in hospital because he collapsed with a 'cardigan arrest'.

I think I will run a search with a view to starting a cardigan register as part of the new quality and outcomes framework.

Dr Adrian Perkins, Kettering, Northamptonshire.

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