Plain tales from the surgery

MODERN MIRACLE

We recently received a letter that contained the following sentence: 'She was born at Birmingham Women's Hospital at term by normal virginal delivery.'

This is the first virginal delivery we have ever had at this surgery.

Perhaps we ought to contact global television immediately.

Dr R E Huddleston, Kings Norton, Birmingham

THE WRONG ORIFICE

A patient recently attended complaining of an itchy penis. I asked him if he had tried anything for it and he replied that he had bought Canesten Combi from the chemist, on the recommendation of a friend.

He said that the cream helped a little, but the tablet had made him feel a bit queasy when he swallowed it. I tried to control my laughter while I noted his embarrassed expression when I explained to him that it was not a tablet he had swallowed, and into which orifice a pessary is supposed to be inserted.

Dr Khaimraj Singh, Telford, Shropshire

CALL THE CHAPERON

A young woman had booked in with me for a cervical smear. The reason was solely because she was a busy company secretary and couldn't fit her work in with a nurse's appointment. I asked her to go behind the screen and prepare herself.

I was half way through when her mobile rang. She took it from her pocket and answered it.

'I'm in the doctor's room on the couch for a smear, but go on. We can arrange the meeting while he gets on with it.'

As I vigorously used the speculum, she whispered: 'Doctor Rowan is at my cervix now. I won't be long coming.' I resisted the temptation to say 'Womb with a view,' and as I finished, she bade farewell to her office and then to me.

Dr Pete Rowan, Diss, Norfolk

OFF THE SCALE

When I was working as a registrar in a hospital, a new house officer joined our team. He was very thin and said he was trying to put on weight.

One morning we were on the ward round and I showed him a patient with extensive oedema on his legs and feet. The doctor suddenly said: 'May God produce oedema on my whole body.'

Dr Hari Nawal, Bedford, Bedfordshire.

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