Plain Tales from the Surgery 280907

Rugby spider injury
The other day a patient of ours ended up in the orthopaedic clinic with a very nasty injury to his knee after a game of rugby.

I am all in favour of trying any new treatments that might save our beloved health service some money, but when the letter came back saying that I had given him an 'arthropod', I really could not see how this was going to help his problem!

Dr David Jenkins, Ferryside, Carmarthenshire

A little confused
I was required to take the details of a new elderly patient, unknown to me, in the community hospital and only had a few minutes to do so before the start of my evening surgery. The only history which had accompanied the patient stated 'confused'.

What with being in such a hurry I launched into my enquiry of the patient without first introducing myself.

After the first two or three questions this rather aristocratic lady held up her hand and said: 'Are you a doctor?'

Somewhat contrite I replied: 'Yes, or at least I think I am,' whereupon my patient gave the very insightful reply: 'Are you confused too?'

We went on to become good friends.

Dr Jeremy Duncan Brown, Lichfield, Staffordshire

Sea sickness
A patient asked me to check the medical information that he had entered into his disability living allowance form.

In the box where the diagnosis was to be entered he wrote: 'skipophrenia and post-Titanic stress disorder.'

I think he needs to be seen by a docker!

Dr Owen Gallagher, Glenavy, Country Antrim

Mistaken identity
An elderly couple came in so that the man could discuss the new tablets he had been put on by the hospital doctor following a heart attack.

I noticed that he had been started on a beta-blocker and, in view of his history of diabetes, decided to ask about his sexual function. He replied a little shyly, that he had not had sex for a number of years, but after some further questioning we established that he was able to maintain an erection and achieve ejaculation.

I explained that this was all great news as it meant that he was in good health. I then apologised to his wife for asking such personal questions, but assured her it was all very pertinent to the consultation.

Whereupon she replied: 'Oh I'm not his wife, I just help him with his shopping.'

I dread to think of the awkward silence on the journey home.

Dr Stephanie Hughes, Curdridge, Hampshire.

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